Tuesday, 1 March 2016

It's never going to stop.

I don't know about you but I have always been quite a nervous person. In general, I think I am fairly calm but whenever I had exams at school, or at university, I would dread every single one, no matter how well I had prepared. I would always get that knot in my stomach and I hated it. I always thought that once I had finished school and university that that would be the end of feeling nervous because exams were over and done with. And then of course, there's the whole applying for jobs thing and having job interviews, and with each one of those came those nerves again. Once I had stopped working to become a full time Mum I was fairly sure that I would never have that feeling again and I was pretty happy about it. Who likes that feeling anyway?! It's pretty horrible. But then I decided to take my grade 8 piano exam a couple of years ago and with that, the nerves accompanied me. Seth came with me on the journey because I am too much of a wimp to go on my own, plus I needed the distraction! But as I am getting older, I felt pretty comfortable with the thought that that feeling of dread, angst, nerves, etc. would definitely be few and far between as I felt that I had done most of the things that I would need to be nervous about.

And then I went and got myself a husband and children. Not only did I get myself a husband but when Seth and I got married, he had just finished his first year of university. During our time of being married, he has sat through two years of university exams, graduated university, sat through two years of exams for his Masters degree, graduated from that and has sat through professional exams too. Seth is a pretty chilled out person and if he gets nervous, he never really shows it at all. But you can bet that with each of those things, I was counting the minutes until the end of the exams and until I got the text from him to let me know how it had gone.

When Caleb started preschool in September, everyone told me that it is horrible taking your little one there on the first day. I don't even think I managed to eat breakfast that morning, I actually felt physically sick, even more so when all of the children were lining up outside, waiting to go in for the first time. The funniest thing is, he didn't really care at all! In the photo that I took of him waiting outside he looks like he was so nervous and he wasn't at all; he was really excited about the whole thing and took it all in his stride (note: I didn't cry after I dropped him off! I was so proud of myself for that small victory!)

I have now come to the conclusion that I am always going to have something to be nervous about and it's pretty much not going to end! I'm sure that I will feel nervous when Caleb starts school, then when Levi starts preschool, etc. Perhaps I was quite naiive to think that my time for nerves was over and done with but I didn't take into account that because my family are an extension of me, I am always going to feel nervous for them when they have big things happening in their lives, because in a way, they feel like my milestones as well. As much as I hate that feeling, I am also weirdly kind of grateful that I have these two little monkeys to feel nervous for in the coming years!

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